A reminder to myself

"Do you satisfy yourself,
dream in order to win yourself.
Do not justify yourself.
Never for anybody."

Satisfy your own self by winning yourself,
dream not just simply for dreaming about it, but in order to win yourself.
Do not justify yourself, Do not think you are great, Do not think you are bad
Never Justify anybody, never justified by anybody.

forget about Tahiti, once you leave that place, you must become your usual self.
if came across to Tahiti again, make sure to remind yourself don't stay too long in it, unless everything has end.

sometimes, Tahiti is just not for you

random

i just realize, the thing i fear the most is not suffer alone.
but to enjoy alone is what i fear the most.

a few new post was created

in http://hazue-keiki.blogspot.com/. this blog i will not update it anytime sooner.

random.

as i was given immortality,
so shall i give away my eternal happiness.
as i was asked to give happiness,
so shall i obtain immortality.

hazue's knowledge bank I

Matagi:
a kind of hunter existed in japan that hunts using traditional method.
"東北地方の山間部に集落をつくり、昔から狩猟を生業としてきた人々のことを“マタギ“と呼んでいる。マタギという言葉は“狩り”そのものを 意味するが、語源には多様な説がある。また、狩猟の民マタギは、樵夫、木地師、山窩たちと同じように古来日本列島の山岳地帯を生活の場としてきた山の民で あるが、その祖先については謎が多い。" (source from http://www.gunzosha.co.jp/")

the above japanese text says that, these people (matagi hunters) have been staying in the north east mountain area since long ago. the clan of 'matagi', like woodworkers(carpenter), woodcutters, and the mountain nomads, had been staying in mountains around japan since the ancient time, but their detailed origin is still a mystery. the word 'matagi', in their clan's language, means 'hunting', though there are sources with different ways of saying how the word derived.
one of the other saying of the word 'matagi' from wiki, is that the word developed from matangi matangitono (マタンギ・マタンギトノ), which means "the man of winter" or hunter in the Ainu Language. though there wasn't anything mention about 'Ainu language' on the above japanese website, i guess when they say 'matagi' means 'hunter', it refers to the language of Ainu.

Ainu language:
can't get much info about this.(aside from eng wiki and jap wiki)
can only say its a super rare language existed in japan. researcher aside, it seems that the people whose mother tongue is Ainu are already extincted, or close to extinct(last investigation was 15 people born with this language in 1991). This language is spoke only in Japan and Russia (source from Jap wiki). Ainu language is called an 'independant language', means its origin has no relation with any other language, or no prove of its origin has relationship with other language.


Kanetsune Seki:
to simply put, a company that forge knives, even Katana with a craftsmanship aged 800 years old. well, they got their own website so just read more from there =) cuz i'm lazy to explain further. http://www.kanetsune.com/index.php?id=221. the reason i came through this company is because coincidentally i found(through internet) a Matagi hunter's knife made by them.

maggi goreng again~

this time cook with less chilli sauce, liiiiiittle bit of tomato sauce, without veggie, double egg!
with less chilli sauce, the spiciness definitely decrease, and it seems like tomato's salty+sweet wasn't presents(mayb too little sauce added). on the other hand, double the egg makes the noodle smell nicer.
overall, the taste got much plainer, so in the end i mixed the noodle with tomato sauce and surprisingly, it fits! (mayb for me only)

next, prepared a fried-tofu salad (wooohoooo). but haven't taste it yet, mayb later in the night as supper.

hoho~~ 2 achievement

1st achievement, 26th June.
i created my own task reminder!! wooooohoooo
{
details:
- used JAVA and sorts of GUI functions
- files saving
- system tray and icons
}

2nd achievement, 27th June.
my spicy-sweet maggi goreng succeed!!!!!
plus i had yellow watermelon for Dessert, woohooo!!!!

ingredient used for maggi goreng:
- maggi mee (of course)
- roughly 50-100ml chilli sauce mixed with water
- soy sauce (i dunno how much, i just simply put when i think its necessary)
- fried toufu (i fry them from the raw ones)
- veggie
- organic egg
(this time didn't add any salt or pepper. shud try adding these next time)


the best weekend at the first half of the year, probably.

[Manga] The Lucifer and Biscuit Hammer - Hoshi no samidare

The world is in mortal peril. Sir Noi Crezant, the Lizard Knight, has been sent to gain the aid of the great warrior Amamiya Yuuhi in hopes of finding the Princess Samidare and protecting the planet from the incredible 'Biscuit Hammer' poised to crack the Earth in two. Unfortunately Yuuhi wants no part of it, and the Princess doesn't prove to be the shining 'hero of justice' role model that Noi had hoped for.

*source from manga.watchanimeon.com

ok, to all those anime/manga fans that had read/watch a lot of anime/manga, basically this comic's plot is lame and seems boring, but it wasn't really that lame (at least for me). look at the last sentence of the intro, it says Yuuhi(the male protagonist) and Samidare(female protagonist) doesn't actually do as Noi had hoped for. in order words they actually wanna destroy the earth instead of saving it(sry a little spoiler here). and that is when the story starts to get my attention.
so, i would say this manga is great.

next goal

this schedule of mine will not be affected by any of my unconfirmed schedule

- right after exam finished, learn C# as much as possible
- use the internship to try to know how to create graphic stuffs, or even create 3D, must be done in the first 2 week(expect i will fail one of the subject n forced to withdraw from internship)
- create my first graphic game.

electricty breakdown in kampar 24th Apr 2010

i had experience a 3 hrs electricity breakdown through out the kampar town.

according to one of my friend and rumors overheard when neighbours were talking, the whole Kampar was affected, though some said 'old town' was fine. then i go update myself in the nearby Tesco, and a staff over there told me it's the whole Perak being affected but few cities/towns were chosen to be cut off from electricity completely in order to let others run. Kampar is one of the town being chose and the reason is because this town is one of the 'green environment friendly' town.

at first the electricity breakdown was told to last for 3-4 hrs, but in the end it was fortunate enough to last at the minimum: 3 hours. from the outer look, everyone is actually enjoying the breakdown because of the rare, but significant scene(i guess). at least me myself think that the moonlight was bright and beautiful, lighten up the whole pitch dark town.

overall, it was kinda shock to see such a serious breakdown, but the pitch dark scene is kinda cool and beautiful. so i won't say its such a bad thing (except my cell phone's battery was dead)

i lament

and i also want to bath in the cold rain again.

i bath under the rain today

it was..... GREAT!
cold and refreshing
and the scene which the water on the ground waves like the sea as the wind blows.
its like with the waters around, the wind is visible

some complains

when i was in my worst stressful moment,
i tend to scream for help,
and in the end,
i waited so long,
that in the end i ended up solving the problem on my own.

i forgot when was the last time i received salvation in my worst moment,
or perhaps that actually never happen at all.
the most i get are,
helping hands when i don't really need them.
and the escaping hand when i face serious problem.

now, i stand up again from where i fell,
search solution to stop the problem on my own,
and continue walking again.

what i hate most is,
i can't find anything to comfort myself,
other than something that's technically not alive

a new life

**....continued from 'the peaceful death'

i wake up without the help of alarm for the first time after a while. i step away from my bed, go to the washroom, and saw my messy hair, unshave beard from the mirror. it's a new life that i obtained. it's a new life i gained from 'that' man.
to prove that it is a new life, i must change. i'm no longer the past me, i'm no longer who i was, and i should not stay the way i did.

i quickly prepare myself, then walk out from my apartment and go to the nearest hair salon to get my hair cut. "welcome sir, how may i help you?" since i want to change, since i want to be different, since 'that' man said i'm longer the same as the common, so i believe it will be better if i really not act like one. so i decided to hold choose something that is special. "get me a hairstyle which no one has it in the neighborhood." maybe 'to stand out from the crowd' is what i want.

he seems troubled for a while, then he smiled and nodded. it took him almost an hour to get my hair cut and styling to be done, was what i asked really that hard to achieve? i used to take only 10 minutes in hair cutting in the past.
......
no, no more mentioning of the past.

"thank you, please visit us again."
probably no more next time. i believe i won't be staying at this city anymore. 'that' man said,
i won't age from now on. how true is his words, i'm not certain. but surviving from that fatal accident..... is definitely a miracle. Shaw said that.

Shaw, is the man who ignore my offer of taking the lottery, the man who tried his best to save me in my last moment, the man who take care of me even after i'm fully recovered, the man who i owed so much that i'm willing to give up my life for him.
.....
"hah..."
what a joke, i probably couldn't die anymore..... perhaps.

with the money in my pocket, the money gave by Shaw, i decided to use them to buy clothes which i don't had a chance before. clothes from boutique, not from stalls in the street market when there're sales. walking into the boutique, it makes me feel so uneasy of coming in. guess i really didn't get inside this kind of place so often in the past.
....
no more past.

i take a quick look on a few clothes, try them on, and bought it without thinking any further. but deep down in me, i still have my old habit, buying so many clothes at once, and also at such price. it hurts me. but i must get rid of this habit, i have to get rid of this habit, else, i couldn't change.
carrying 2 big bag of new clothes, i walk back home. while on the way, i keep thinking should i take a cab or not. but thanks to my old habit again, my old habit of 'great stinginess'. i didn't.
controlling my emotion after using so much money is meeting my limit. any more expenses may make me crazy. crazy? i wonder what i will do when i'm crazy.
....
ok, thinking like that is already crazy........ maybe no. that's just stupid

i opened my house's main door, put down the 2 bags, and notice that the floor is actually THAT dusty. this morning when i wake up, with my old clothes that its color was already faded to gray,
i really couldn't notice that the floor is THAT dusty. thanks to the 2 bags. the clean and white bags that has my new clothes inside, i realize how dirty my house had been. not just the floor,
my whole house looks like a house that is abandoned for 'ages'. well, i guess that's what will happen when i was hospitalized for almost 6 months. so i decided to put my clothes outside of the house, for some reason, outside is even cleaner than inside. i took my whole day cleaning, from the morning i'm back from hair cutting and buying clothes, until late evening. If you notice, i didn't mentioned i took my breakfast nor lunch. so i'm dead tired and hungry. after the long cleaning is finally complete, as i was just about to fall on the clean floor, i stop myself, and quickly go to bath, and that's probably the fastest bath i had ever did. it took 3 minutes. why am i in such hurry? because i'm very tired and i want to rest. but before that, i have to take my dinner,
which is perhaps the only meal i will take for today.

after the meal. it's already night time. though for the past me, it is still way too early....
....
no more past.
i'm tired, so i went to my bed. and take my probably-the-earliest-sleep-i-had-ever-took.

the peaceful death.

"it's fake. it is nothing but fake. those hope i used to have, are nothing but fantasy." this is probably the 'last' feel i had. now the light is supposed to shine through my eyes...... is fading slowly, as if it is telling me that i got no hope.

...................
that morning i wake up, the letter on the table at the living room is the begin....... of me getting into deep despair. the words in the letter was written in a familiar handwriting. it is actually her handwriting. the one who hurts my feeling the most yesterday night. she said, so much she had suffered, which it is nothing if compare to my misery, leaving me is her only choice to live a better life. with fear in my heart, i opened the door of her room....
as i had expected, her room is already empty. what's worse, she left me piles of unpaid bills. all the money i gave her through the whole year, was not used to pay these bills. while i'm still not emotionally stable, the bell rings.... someone's here...... the debt collector, asking for the former owner of this room. even though she's not here, they're still asking for money. though it shouldn't have anything to do with me anymore, but i had no choice, no choice but to give them all i got. and maybe i was 'lucky', to have enough to pay off the debt. but now i really had nothing left.
searching around in the kitchen, i only found an expired food. which i know i had no choice but to take it. i won't care whether it is poisoned or not, 'cause i'm in such a despair i just want to die.
so if it is poisoned, then let me die.

after hours passed, i'm still alive, but only to suffer hunger again. now i really had nothing left to eat. i must do something. i must do something to this hell-like day. "it is only today being so bad,
so tomorrow all will be fine, and i should at least do something to make sure tomorrow is fine." and i encourage myself a little. so i went out, walk on the street, looking on the ground, searching for 'treasure'. and i found a piece of paper, with some numbers and words written on it. it's a lottery. it is not outdated yet. its result is to be announce by tonight. "it is stupid to put my hope in this paper". but contrary to my thoughts, i kept the paper in my pocket instead. i found a few aluminum cans, a few coin, a small pile of newspaper, and i was able to sell them off for extra few more coins. thanks to that, i'm able to get myself the 2nd meal of the day. but it is already time where i don't know it is lunch or dinner that i'm having.

after eating a little, i realize it is already time for the lottery number to be announced. i stand in front of an electronic goods shop, watching the television for free, and wait for the result to be announced. the minutes until the announcement seems to take years. i waited without hoping, so that i will feel better if the luck is really not with me.
the price is finally announced, the consolation is not mine, the 3rd prize is not mine, the 2nd prize is not mine either. and i doubt my eyes when i saw the 1st prize has the same number as the lottery i picked up earlier. tears flow out from my eyes. maybe because i don't eat enough so i don't have the strength to shout or jump. but still, i do my best and rush out out the street, heading to the lottery shop.

then things went blank for a second, i couldn't feel anything, my sight went blank, my thoughts faded. it seems that i had passed out for a little. when i gain my consciousness and open my eyes, the late evening sky is what i seen. the sky looks so sad, probably enough to represents my feeling before i know i hit a jackpot, but no more sadness now, the lottery is in my hand, and i know tomorrow will be a better life for sure.

as i'm trying to move, i realize i couldn't. i barely able to hear anything except a lady's scream. i think the voice came from my left side. i turn to left, to see the lottery in my left hand, tainted by red liquid. it is blood..... it is my blood. i finally gain all my sense, and my brain starts to react to the pain all over my body. my brain signals me, and tells me that my whole body is injured badly. i couldn't think well. i had no idea what happened. i suddenly saw a man approached me. then followed by him, few of ten people surrounded me. then i get to know another thing, i'm actually lying on the street.

why am i lying on the street?
why i had blood around me?
why people surround me?
why i heard someone said, "call the ambulance!"
who is injured?
i am injured?
why am i injured?

i had lots of unsolvable questions, but soon i was able to know something, which it answers all of my questions...... which is i had an accident, but i don't know what knocks me down, as i see only people surrounding me, blocking everything from my sight. i wanted to question how i got into accident, but i couldn't make a voice at all. so i decided to give up. i think it is no longer important, i believe having able to won the lottery when i'm in the worst day of my life,
is definitely too good to be true. i don't know why, but i want someone to claim the prize, not for me, at least for themselves, at least i could die in peace. why doing this could make me die in peace? i had no idea. i couldn't think of why as well.

i use my last strength, to give my lottery to the man who was trying to give me first aid.
"claim the prize before it is too late."
"stop talking. don't worry, you will be fine."
the man tried to calm me, it seems like he didn't know i already gave up everything. but i left no more strength to tell him how i feel nor what i thought. so i close my eyes and stay in peace.

(article re-edit at 17th May 2011. 00:25am)
***ask for fun question:
- how do you think the narrator's life was before this?
- do you think the narrator's death is really in peace?

earth hour 2010

it's...............................
disappointing.

well i'm not sure about other areas,
but for the place i lived.
it is...
disappointing.
except those house that has no one,
the rest are lights on,
brightly.
like nothing is going on.

end of story.

cc, the blowjobber

Hirr Zaphrait {the storm begins} says:
wat is blowjob?

(;゜▽゜) カグツチ ヽ(゜▽、゜)ノ says:
wow you're serious?
well, blowjob is a healthy activity
if you do it , you're a GREAT MAN

untitled 22022010

from thee i saw,
the never ending storm.
to thee i wish,
a break in between.

from thee i receive,
the beautiful starry night.
to thee i say,
a never ending happiness.

from thee i notice,
the infinitely expanding sky.
to thee i swear,
a change of myself.

from thee i accept,
the unseen request.
to thee i promise,
now is the time.

picture from the star

lebih kurang harap halal....

part of a certain conversation

LittleDes says:
he took your eat balls and eat
it

Hirr Zaphrait says:
............
he ate my balls???
ooh............no....................

LittleDes says:
i mean eye ball*
balls*

Hirr Zaphrait says:
oh no!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my balls!!!!!!!!
they're my precious

LittleDes says:
hehe...
muahaha....
now do i sound evil
hehe...

Hirr Zaphrait says:
i dont know u liked balls

LittleDes says:
not me okay
it's the guy

Hirr Zaphrait says:
oh noooo!!!!!
that guy liked my balls!!!!!!!!!
nononono, why would he want my balls when he already got 2
he wanted to hav 4 balls??

LittleDes says:
lolz...
can't help it
he can't help it

Hirr Zaphrait says:
what?
he needed my balls that bad?

LittleDes says:
yeah to be honest he doesn't had eye balls that's why he needed your balls
that bad

Hirr Zaphrait says:
if he don't have balls then how can he eat mine?
i meant he can't even know where my balls are

LittleDes says:
come on don't you know that blind people can sense with touch

Hirr Zaphrait says:
O.o so he get to know my balls by touching them???

LittleDes says:
yup

Hirr Zaphrait says:
but its common sense that i wont let him
i can't let him eat my balls ma
then how he's going to do?

LittleDes says:
well...i dunno

Hirr Zaphrait says:
thought you will know how he did it

LittleDes says:
hmmm....
of course becoz he had eaten your two balls
he took another two balls to put on his eyes

Hirr Zaphrait says:
ooh noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my balls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
nooooooooooo
i must get them back!!!!!!!!!
they're my precious!!!!!!!!!!

LittleDes says:
too late
he had gone to a place
where no one can find him

Hirr Zaphrait says:
nooooooooooooooo
my balls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LittleDes says:
haha...
the end

Hirr Zaphrait says:
sob sob
alright, i gonna take my bath liao
actually until now i also didnt bath

LittleDes says:
that's y the man want to get your balls lah
you so smelly
haha....

Hirr Zaphrait says:
what? he liked my balls cuz its smelly?
he liked smelly balls?

LittleDes says:
yup
can't you believe it
?

Hirr Zaphrait says:
of course
how would someone liked smelly stuffs
and of all things he liked balls

LittleDes says:
well this is a weird an
man*

Hirr Zaphrait says:
more than weird i believe

LittleDes says:
oklah
go bath lah

Hirr Zaphrait says:
lolol
okok
yesh madam

untitled

ah,
i forgot to write something at Dec.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa it ended!!!