the peaceful death.

"it's fake. it is nothing but fake. those hope i used to have, are nothing but fantasy." this is probably the 'last' feel i had. now the light is supposed to shine through my eyes...... is fading slowly, as if it is telling me that i got no hope.

...................
that morning i wake up, the letter on the table at the living room is the begin....... of me getting into deep despair. the words in the letter was written in a familiar handwriting. it is actually her handwriting. the one who hurts my feeling the most yesterday night. she said, so much she had suffered, which it is nothing if compare to my misery, leaving me is her only choice to live a better life. with fear in my heart, i opened the door of her room....
as i had expected, her room is already empty. what's worse, she left me piles of unpaid bills. all the money i gave her through the whole year, was not used to pay these bills. while i'm still not emotionally stable, the bell rings.... someone's here...... the debt collector, asking for the former owner of this room. even though she's not here, they're still asking for money. though it shouldn't have anything to do with me anymore, but i had no choice, no choice but to give them all i got. and maybe i was 'lucky', to have enough to pay off the debt. but now i really had nothing left.
searching around in the kitchen, i only found an expired food. which i know i had no choice but to take it. i won't care whether it is poisoned or not, 'cause i'm in such a despair i just want to die.
so if it is poisoned, then let me die.

after hours passed, i'm still alive, but only to suffer hunger again. now i really had nothing left to eat. i must do something. i must do something to this hell-like day. "it is only today being so bad,
so tomorrow all will be fine, and i should at least do something to make sure tomorrow is fine." and i encourage myself a little. so i went out, walk on the street, looking on the ground, searching for 'treasure'. and i found a piece of paper, with some numbers and words written on it. it's a lottery. it is not outdated yet. its result is to be announce by tonight. "it is stupid to put my hope in this paper". but contrary to my thoughts, i kept the paper in my pocket instead. i found a few aluminum cans, a few coin, a small pile of newspaper, and i was able to sell them off for extra few more coins. thanks to that, i'm able to get myself the 2nd meal of the day. but it is already time where i don't know it is lunch or dinner that i'm having.

after eating a little, i realize it is already time for the lottery number to be announced. i stand in front of an electronic goods shop, watching the television for free, and wait for the result to be announced. the minutes until the announcement seems to take years. i waited without hoping, so that i will feel better if the luck is really not with me.
the price is finally announced, the consolation is not mine, the 3rd prize is not mine, the 2nd prize is not mine either. and i doubt my eyes when i saw the 1st prize has the same number as the lottery i picked up earlier. tears flow out from my eyes. maybe because i don't eat enough so i don't have the strength to shout or jump. but still, i do my best and rush out out the street, heading to the lottery shop.

then things went blank for a second, i couldn't feel anything, my sight went blank, my thoughts faded. it seems that i had passed out for a little. when i gain my consciousness and open my eyes, the late evening sky is what i seen. the sky looks so sad, probably enough to represents my feeling before i know i hit a jackpot, but no more sadness now, the lottery is in my hand, and i know tomorrow will be a better life for sure.

as i'm trying to move, i realize i couldn't. i barely able to hear anything except a lady's scream. i think the voice came from my left side. i turn to left, to see the lottery in my left hand, tainted by red liquid. it is blood..... it is my blood. i finally gain all my sense, and my brain starts to react to the pain all over my body. my brain signals me, and tells me that my whole body is injured badly. i couldn't think well. i had no idea what happened. i suddenly saw a man approached me. then followed by him, few of ten people surrounded me. then i get to know another thing, i'm actually lying on the street.

why am i lying on the street?
why i had blood around me?
why people surround me?
why i heard someone said, "call the ambulance!"
who is injured?
i am injured?
why am i injured?

i had lots of unsolvable questions, but soon i was able to know something, which it answers all of my questions...... which is i had an accident, but i don't know what knocks me down, as i see only people surrounding me, blocking everything from my sight. i wanted to question how i got into accident, but i couldn't make a voice at all. so i decided to give up. i think it is no longer important, i believe having able to won the lottery when i'm in the worst day of my life,
is definitely too good to be true. i don't know why, but i want someone to claim the prize, not for me, at least for themselves, at least i could die in peace. why doing this could make me die in peace? i had no idea. i couldn't think of why as well.

i use my last strength, to give my lottery to the man who was trying to give me first aid.
"claim the prize before it is too late."
"stop talking. don't worry, you will be fine."
the man tried to calm me, it seems like he didn't know i already gave up everything. but i left no more strength to tell him how i feel nor what i thought. so i close my eyes and stay in peace.

(article re-edit at 17th May 2011. 00:25am)
***ask for fun question:
- how do you think the narrator's life was before this?
- do you think the narrator's death is really in peace?

earth hour 2010

it's...............................
disappointing.

well i'm not sure about other areas,
but for the place i lived.
it is...
disappointing.
except those house that has no one,
the rest are lights on,
brightly.
like nothing is going on.

end of story.

cc, the blowjobber

Hirr Zaphrait {the storm begins} says:
wat is blowjob?

(;゜▽゜) カグツチ ヽ(゜▽、゜)ノ says:
wow you're serious?
well, blowjob is a healthy activity
if you do it , you're a GREAT MAN